May 06, 2026 • today, tomorrow, and forever

Current Listening: Raze - Break 4 Love

I've decided that starting tomorrow, I'm going to finally go on my week long internet break that I put on my goals list! It's been almost a week since I made my last entry and I feel like I have nothing to show for it Σ(°ロ°) I pictured in my mind that because I'd have more free time than before, that I'd cherish it and make good use of it. Aside from making some purchases I've been meaning to make for a while, I've done nothing except refresh the same few sites I go on over and over again. It's embarassing, especially since these sites aren't even fun to go on anymore (｡•̀ ⤙ •́ ｡ꐦ) !!! That's why I decided to intervene and make it so that I can at least enjoy the final week before my job search begins in earnest.

This blog entry inspired me to sit down and take stock of how I want to approach this. I've done a full internet break before, and it impacted my life for the better while it lasted, which is why I want to do it again. I'm doing just a week to make it less intimidating. If I love how things turn out, I can always keep at it! I made a document where I explored my current internet usage like in the linked blog post. I won't share it here (it's way too embarassing lol), but it's sobering to write out by hand how exactly I waste so much time. So much of my day is spent being angry about the things I see because I'd rather be in a foul mood over something I saw online than have to sit with my anxious thoughts...

Something that the digital detox plan doesn't do that I'll be implementing is that I'll also prepare which media I'll have on hand for the week, so that I don't have to waste time scrolling to find something to watch/read/play. I have a few Switch games I want to work on (Dark Souls, Tactics Ogre: Reborn, AI: The Somnium Files, along with Tomodachi Life for when I want to turn my brain off), and I'll look for movies, shows, manga, and books to have at the ready by tonight. Another practice that helped the last time I did this was limiting myself to one (1) single album download per day. It made me appreciate those albums more instead of mindlessly consuming them as background noise.

With a week of no scrolling, I'll also be able to have more time to focus on creating more pages for this site. I want to have my Favourites page up, alongside a shrine for my OTP. I don't feel comfortable applying to things like webrings just yet with such a bare bones website, so hopefully this can fix that issue. I'd also like to use this time to work on more art, both digital and traditional! It would be nice to have more catergories up for illust.html.

I promise to put up a follow up entry on how things went, and I'll try my hardest to stick to the plan. See you next week (˶^◡^˶)

May 01, 2026 • Flower crown

Current Listening: My Bloody Valentine - Sunny Sundae Smile

I had a busy set of weeks but now I'm finally free. I'm going to give myself a two week vacation before I begin my new job search (which I'm already dreading), although I have one new client to work for. Aside from that, I'm ready to close the chapter on freelancing for good.

Bought a new nib for my Apple Pencil too since my old one was acting up. The difference between the two is pretty wild because I didn't realize how much I wore down the old nib. The old one was scratchy and kept skipping while the new one glides on my screen so easily. The novelty of how nice the new nib feels has been helping me draw a bit more lol

Some small accomplishments recently that I'm proud of:

• I've been doing more traditional art lately. I'm not comfortable sharing anything yet, but it feels good to practice using mediums that I was scared to even attempt before
• I've been putting more effort into my wardrobe and apperance again. It really helps put me in the frame of mind to not waste my day bed rotting
• Last time I hung out with Y, we ventured outside of our comfort zone a bit :) We went to an art show and made small talk with strangers

Apr 19, 2026 • Reek of Putrefaction

Current Listening: N/A

Had an awful dream about an ex. I was hanging out with people that I'm currently acquainted with, when all of a sudden this person got invited to the get-together, despite them having no connection to the people in my current social circle. They were more disgusting in terms of personality and apperance than I remembered, in a way where I'm still viscerally grossed out just thinking about it. I was pissed off that they were there, but I couldn't get too outwardly upset because no one there knew I dated this person and I didn't want them to know. I just had to sit there and bite my tongue.

I've had exes who have treated me worse in the past, but something about this dream made me realize that this one still irritates me more than the others deep down.

Between this and getting sick, it really feels like I'm purging out all the negativity that's had me in a chokehold these past few weeks/months/years. I'm okay with weathering the storm, but I really do hope there's something worthwhile waiting for me after all this.

Apr 18, 2026 • Appetite

Current Listening: ZEEBRA - 未来への鍵 (Osawa's Realized Mix feat.Bird)

Still don't feel good physically but I got the new Tomodachi Life and I've been having lots of fun with it. Pictured above is me, down to the food preferences all being dessert. I might do a more detailed review of the game when I play around with it more. I'm enjoying it as a fan of the 3DS one, but I do have some qualms as well (like how I can't upload my screenshots normally? tf). Anyways...

I went to a new pho place because my usual spot was unexpectedly closed. The food was okay, but the journey to get there was enjoyable. It felt like the first real day of spring because both the sun and people were out and about, having a good time. I got to catch the sunset while going to the restaurant for maximum comfy vibes. It's really nice to see other people enjoying the nice weather, riding their bikes, etc. The warmer seasons feel very ephemeral here, so they're really special once they do come around. Spring and summer sunsets in particular are like a symbol of that magical feeling to me. That's why I tried to incorporate a few sunsets on my current website banners, so that this site could always invoke that ambiance, no matter the time of year ヾ（＾ヮ＾)ﾉ

Apr 14, 2026 • Ouchie

Current Listening: Mint Condition - Breakin' My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)

The irony of writing that last entry only to wake up with a fever, chills, and vomiting the next morning right after...you can't make this up lol.

My magic spell worked a little too hard I guess. I still feel really awful, but part of me thinks this is stress related and that my body really needed the oppurtunity to just veg out without a care. I had some work stuff due tomorrow that I would normally fret over, and my condition made it so I worked on it in a very lowkey manner for once. I just didn't have the energy to be stressed. Barely ate anything all day which doesn't feel great but getting sick is making me appreciate food once more lol. I'd do anything to be able to stomach something basic like an apple right about now...

Apr 14, 2026 • Magic spell

Current Listening: µ-ziq - Mushroom Compost

From this day forward, things will work out in my favour and I will feel good about myself and energized about my life...

ଘ( ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)━☆•.,¸,.•*¯`•.,¸,.•*

...and it's done!

Apr 11, 2026 • Low Blood Pressure

Current Listening: Frankie Knuckles Presents Satoshi Tomiie - Tears (Classic Vocal)

I actually went to the gym and worked out for the first time in ages, and it did actually help clear my head for a bit! I also dressed up a tiny bit nicer for once. It felt like a baby step towards dressing in a more daring manner like I used to before all the negative junk in my brain spiralled back again a few years ago. I also decided that I want to finally get a hair cut and dye it. I'll either go a lighter shade of brown than my current natural hair or red. For the cut, I just need to thin it out and get some more layers because I plan to keep growing it out. I cut it short around two years ago but miss the length.

It's more fashionable to have cool hair and a basic outfit than a cool outfit but basic hair imo. With nice hair, you can just wear a plain shirt and jeans and still look put together instead of unkempt. I've been putting off the hair stuff for so long because I wanted to save money, but I think the boost in confidence will help out a bit instead of just looking like a moussey NPC like I have been lately. New shoes might be on the docket too because I miss having engineer boots and creepers. I had to get rid of my old ones in a move ૮(˶╥︿╥)ა Bit by bit, I'll feel comfortable in my own skin again. Fashion and beauty were big interests of mine, and while I think there's a lot to critique about both industries and the societal pressures women face because of them, I also don't think it's bad to want to feel beautiful and express yourself through those means (when it's just for yourself).

Apr 5, 2026 • The Devil's Tremolo

Current Listening: My Bloody Valentine - To Here Knows When

I keep trying to pretend that things are fine in my current situation when they simply aren't. No amount of optimistic thinking can disguise the fact that my life isn't what it should be, and part of that is due to where I live and who I live with. I feel like a clown for telling people I most likely won't leave this year and that I want to give working in this city another chance when I should have known it wouldn't work out. Part of prolonging the inevitable is sunk costs, but it's time to admit that the previous plans aren't going to work out and that it's time to move on.

Doing plan B involves taking a lot of risks, but I don't want to be a coward anymore. "Life's for my own to live my own way." I'll try to be a bit smarter this time in terms of getting help first and then moving.

My honest wish is I'd like to be able to update this diary months down the line in a happier place, freely living on my own. I don't want to make a habit of updating this log with a deluge of negativity all the time. However, today feels like a bit of a turning point so I want to document it so that I can look back on this entry and smile at how far I've come.

Apr 2, 2026 • Gauze

Current Listening: Catherine Wheel - Black Metallic

I'm stuck in this perptual rut of feeling like I have no control or will power over my life. Half the things I'm bothered by are, at their core, people foisting things upon me and me being too chicken shit to stand up for my true desires and say no. It's annoying because I was making decisions that were 100% my own not too long ago, so I know what freedom and independence taste like. Maybe I wasn't the happiest person back then, but I appreciated that my life felt like mine. Now, there's parts of my life that are easier and better than that time, but at what cost? There's people in my life who I know don't see me as a person, but just a symbol to project on to, and get upset when I act different than the expectations they have for me in their head. Things must change. I hate that they think they know what's best for me when they barely know me at all.

Mar 29, 2026 • Flop Era

Current Listening: Suede - Animal Nitrate

Site is now live which makes me happy! Success ＼(*T▽T*)／ﾔｯﾀｰ!

...what's not so successful is my art lately Σ(°ロ°) It's that time of year where it feels like everything I draw looks like muddy garbage. I spent 12 hours on the piece mentioned in the previous entry only to feel like it was an unsalvageable waste of time, oof.

I've spent a lot of time these past months focused on rendered pieces that take a lot of time and use an amalgamation of reference photos. What I want to be able to do is create quicker drawings with nice lineart, in a style that I can use for things like comics. I've had success in the past with Naoki Saito's method of improvement. If you're not interested in watching the video, the tl;dr is to choose an artist you like and make pieces inspired by them for three months. The intention isn't to copy their art directly, but to copy their style. Make a piece → compare it with the artist → pick one thing you need to improve on to make your art closer to your chosen artist's → grind that topic with studies until you feel confident → start again.

When I've told people about this method, it's been met with some apprehension. All artists want to make work that feels original to them, so this can seem at odds with that desire. However, it wasn't like my previous skill level/tastes/hand-eye coordination went away. They were still influencing the outcome of my art no matter how hard I tried to scrub them out during the process. I found that the method was more of a roadmap for improving things like anatomy and colour usage, with the artist of choice being a reference point for achieving those fundamentals in a style that appealed to me.

I won't say which artist I studied before, but I did manage to stick to the plan and felt like I made leaps in skill that I wouldn't have made otherwise. It's difficult to choose one artist (and the program does stress that it has to be one artist), but I'll try to scope out my next rolemodel and begin the program in earnest starting next month. Not having social media anymore is nice for this kind of thing, because I don't have to feel bad about not constantly posting art. I can do studies at my own pace („• ᴗ •„)

Mar 28, 2026 • Bathed in Blood

Current Listening: 中村隆之 - 神仙舜帝 [Shun's Theme from Virtua Fighter 2]

Someone gave me fake blood* so I decided to use it to make a unique reference for a portrait I'm drawing. I took the picture and began to draw with the reference beside the canvas, but it was kind of difficult to constantly look at my own face. Then I closed the reference picture, but no matter how many facial features I altered, I still kept seeing myself...

*This person isn't even someone I'm close to, but they told me, "I was cleaning my place and found this and it seems like something you'd be into." When you do edgelordery, the edgelord comes back to bite.

Mar 22, 2026 • "Look at me enjoying something"

Current Listening: The Jesus and Mary Chain - Happy When It Rains

I had a call with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in ages yesterday. He's had some absurd premonitions in the past that ended up coming true...Anyways, the reason for the call was a fairly heavy topic, but it ended on a light note. He told me that good things were coming my way soon and that despite me feeling like a loser at this current moment in time, I'm not. I'm trying not to put too much stock into magical thinking, but I'd like to believe that this premonition of his will come true, just like the others have ♡

Mar 21, 2026 • #1

Current Listening: ROSSO - シャロン

First entry in my little log ٩(•͈ ꇴ •͈)و ̑̑❀! It's been a pretty rainy and low-key spring here so far, but I've been enjoying it. Super moodie.

I wanted to make this website for a while, but it took me deleting my social media account to have the impetus to work on it. I won't get too into the weeds about my experience with social media because all the talking points about why it's bad are old news at this point (this essay does a pretty good job at articulating my own points of contention, particularly the first half). However, it's still wild to me how much brighter I feel since getting off that train ミ☆

Even when I had my account deactivated for periods of time, it always felt like an albatross around my neck. Fully deleting it on the other hand feels like the unchained guy in the sunset meme lol. My internet usage is a lot more normal now, and on top of that, the days feel longer and I'm getting better sleep. Sounds a bit ridiculous, but I swear I'm not lying! I do think there's actually some people who can thrive in a social media enviornment, but I don't think I'm one of them. My grandparents were peasant farmers, so I think a part of my brain is still genetically on that wavelength lmao. Regardless, I don't regret making my account because I still managed to make some nice online pals (♥♥♥) and learn via first-hand experience that it's not for me.

I used to journal constantly, but stopped for a few years because it felt like I had nothing worthwhile to write about anymore. "I'm sad so I just doomscrolled for hours after coming back home from my shitty job that I hate"x1000 would probably be the average diary entry. However, a part of me misses both journaling and blogging, so it felt weird not to have this section on my website! I hope that having a blog like this can help me get back into the habit of finding little sparks of interest in my life to discuss‧₊˚.